I keed, I keed.
I just noticed that the comments on my last post reached the 100+ count so I thought it was time to start a new one. I haven't had the time lately to go over any more of my sweet RGIS memories and post them so I've just put this little bit of nothing here to fill in for the time being.
Has anyone ever tried searching for RGIS in Google Images? I just did and among the expected pics (audit machines, models in RGIS plastic burgundy polos) some weird stuff popped up. Fart Bomb Bags (farts in a bag, 12 count), a naked ass, weed and some really ugly sandals. What is Google trying to tell us about RGIS? Hmmm...
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
To TP Or Not To TP? That Is The Question
Kevin was one of the most disliked district managers Santa Rosa had seen in quite some time. On the surface he could appear to be friendly and upbeat but in fact this happy-go-lucky demeanor of his masked a great incompetence in his ability to run a RGIS district. Most if not all of the auditors, team leaders and other managers in District 414 had quickly grown weary of DM Kevin’s false bravado and phony cheerfulness. Nearly everyone had a negative attitude regarding Kevin ranging from mild dislike to outright hatred. Virtually no one save an unaware newbie felt Kevin capable of making intelligent decisions in how to handle a single inventory, much less an entire district.
This contempt that almost everyone in District 414 felt for DM Kevin was not unjustified. There was a long list of troubling incidents and decisions involving Kevin that had caused his district to turn against him. There were numerous raises promised to auditors but never given, mistakes made in scheduling auditors for inventories, mistakes made as to which Team Leader or Manager should be running which store, and mistakes made as to when these inventories should be held. All of this ineffectiveness of Kevin’s left everyone in the district in a constant state of frustration and anger.
Complaining about DM Kevin and his many faults and blunders did absolutely no good. Visits paid to our district by various Operations Managers fared no better. Dist. 414’s once prestigious reputation as an efficient, well run and go-to district continued to fade with each passing day.
Auditors and TL’s would talk amongst themselves about the situation, sharing their own personal DM Kevin horror stories and expressing frustration at how nothing ever seemed to change. Venting about one’s crappy RGIS DM could be somewhat therapeutic but the benefits of merely saying, “Kevin sucks!” and doing nothing about his sucking were short-lived and ultimately unsatisfying. Real, actual, physical action needed to be taken in order to bring about some relief from our troublesome situation, and TL Heather and I believed that we had the solution.
One late Friday night during a Waldenbooks inventory (endless ISBNs) in Santa Rosa Heather and I were as usual rehashing some complaints and grudges we had against DM Kevin. We had in previous inventories discussed various ways to exact revenge on Kevin; toilet-papering his house was by far the most popular idea. At Waldenbooks that night Heather reminded me once again of our nefarious desire to TP Kevin’s house. She said that since Kevin was away on vacation at the time and was due back the next night that tonight would be the perfect time to do the TPing. I agreed and the two of us quietly canvassed the group of auditors at Waldenbooks to see if anyone wanted to join in. Only Tina and TL Mondo (who was bungling, er, running the inventory) agreed to be our accomplices. Having Mondo participate in the TPing was crucial because he alone in the group that night knew where Kevin lived. Mondo also reassured us that nothing untoward would come of our misdeeds; that Kevin would in fact regard the whole thing as a great joke and even as something ultimately positive for the district as in, “Hey, my auditors came together, bonded and did something as a real team!” Myself, Heather and Tina were actually naive enough to believe this crap.
The Waldenbooks inventory finally ended around 1:00 am. Me, Heather, Tina and Mondo each got into our respective cars and drove to the local Food 4 Less supermarket (open 24 hours) where Tina and I each bought a huge 12 roll pack of toilet paper. I’ve often wondered since then what the sleepy clerk who rang up our purchases thought about four giggling adults in matching burgundy shirts buying 24 rolls of toilet paper at 1:30 in the morning but the guy never said a word.
The four of us had decided earlier that it would be a good idea if we didn’t all drive to Kevin’s but instead we would drive to a mini-mart near Kevin’s, park there and take Tina’s car to the house. This was done and we were on our way.
I was curious as to what sort of residence a RGIS district manager could afford to rent in Santa Rosa and upon our arrival at the place I was not surprised to see a real rathole of a house. Kevin’s tiny, one story beige-colored dump looked much like all the other small, shabby homes on his street. A postage stamp-sized yard filled with sparse amounts of crushed volcanic rock and skimpy dried-up bushes fronted the sad little house. Toilet paper would only improve its looks.
Tina parked right in front of Kevin’s house and the four of us climbed out quietly. We found the dark, unlit entryway to Kevin’s front door off to the right side of the house and decided to begin there. We ripped open the packages of toilet paper and got to work.
We covered anything and everything we could reach at Kevin’s place with toilet paper. Even things that we couldn’t reach like the roof and gutters we TP’d. Each of us would take hold of the loose end of a roll of toilet paper in one hand and use the other hand to toss the roll up and over the roof. The roll would come cascading down another side of the house leaving a trail of toilet paper behind it. This process was repeated over and over again; the air was fairly thick with flying rolls of toilet paper.
Not only was it cathartic for us RGIS auditors to TP our DM’s house (take that you rat bastard Kevin!) but it was incredible fun too. The four of us were trying to be as quiet as possible while coating Kevin’s house in toilet paper but we found it difficult to stifle our laughter. I was afraid our constant giggling would awaken Kevin’s neighbors but my fears were groundless as no one turned on a single porch light or peeked out a window. In fact Mondo told us a few days later that he spoke with Kevin’s next door neighbor who told Mondo that “You guys were really good (at TPing), I never heard a thing.”
We spent nearly an hour festooning the front of the house and yard with toilet paper. I even wrapped the little dried-up shrubs with toilet paper. Then Heather made a great discovery: the gate to the backyard. The latch was on the inside of the tall gate but little Heather had somehow managed to leap up and unlatch it. We all scampered into the backyard and proceeded to trash it as well.
Not surprisingly the backyard was as dilapidated as the front. The grass/weeds were knee-high; a few skimpy rose bushes were planted along one side of the fence. So sad. Since we didn’t have too much toilet paper left we decided to forego TPing the back part of the house and instead concentrated on the yard itself. We laced and crisscrossed the tall grass with toilet paper, making a sort of gigantic checkerboard pattern on top of it. It was fantastic. I snapped several photos of our artistic achievements with my little camera. After all it was most important that our fabulous work be recorded for posterity.
While Tina decorated the rosebushes with more toilet paper I went up to the sliding glass door at the back part of the house and looked inside. Even by the faint light of the moon I could see that the kitchen was a mess, with papers strewn all over the table and countertops. What a slob Kevin was.
Finally we were down to our last few bits of toilet paper and the four of us stepped back for a moment to admire our handiwork. The backyard was a vision in toilet paper loveliness. Not even a Tonka toy dump truck, abandoned by Kevin’s ex-wife’s son, escaped our toilet paper wrath. Then Mondo added one final touch: he took the last few pieces of toilet paper and dipped them into the rainwater that had collected in the toy truck, wadded them up into soggy paper blobs and flung a bunch of them at the sliding glass door where they stuck like glue. We were done.
As we trooped out of the backyard, still giggling, Mondo pointed out Kevin’s garage window on our left. We looked inside and could see several empty 12 packs of Coors Light beer. Mondo told us that Kevin would regularly polish off a couple 12 packs of beer every weekend. I though to myself, “Hmm, I guess that explains a lot about why our district is the way that it is.”
We got into Tina’s car and drove away, pleased with our efforts and success at getting away with it all. Tina dropped us off at the mini mart and we all drove to our homes. It was quite late, around 2 or 3 in the morning but I wasn’t sleepy at all. I was jazzed and my adrenalin was pumping. Yes! We had finally achieved revenge against our lousy RGIS district manager. Score one for the lowly auditors! I finally reached my home and fell into bed.
When I woke up later that morning I realized that there was still one last thing I needed to do to complete The Great RGIS TP Caper. I got dressed and drove over to Kevin’s house. In the bright morning light Kevin’s neighborhood was even seedier-looking than it had appeared last night. I parked my car in front of Kevin’s house and took some really great photos of the place from various angles. All that toilet paper was even funnier in the daylight. I then drove over to Walmart and dropped off the film for developing.
I had a JC Penney’s inventory scheduled for later that day in Petaluma and on my way there I stopped off at Walmart to pick up the photos. They were beautiful, perfect and hilarious, especially the daylight shots of the TP’d house. It was a real toilet paper masterpiece.
At the Penney’s inventory I waited until our lunch break (a shocker I know, RGIS auditors getting a lunch break) before I went out to my car and grabbed the packet of photos. Most of the RGIS crew had gathered in the store employee’s lunch room and that’s where I went. I passed around the photos and everyone had a great laugh, snickering at the shots of Kevin’s house drenched in toilet paper. I was so proud.
A few hours later it was close to midnight and we were finishing up the inventory. I was busy scanning a rack of men’s jackets when I saw Tina hurrying over to me with a worried look on her face. She told me that Kevin had just come back home from his week-long vacation and was more than a little surprised at the sight of his house. In fact he was furious. Tina said, “Kevin just called Joe (area manager running the Penney’s inventory). He’s pissed!” She said that DM Kevin told AM Joe that he didn’t care exactly who had done it (funny that Kevin immediately knew it was his auditors that had TP’d his house and not some neighborhood kids) but that he wanted “this shit” cleaned up by the end of the day tomorrow or else.
Upon hearing this I was a little angry myself. Mondo had told us the night before that Kevin wouldn’t mind his house getting TP’d and would see the humor in it all. Aaarrggh! That’s what we got for trusting Mondo. I headed over to where Mondo was scanning some t-shirts and accosted him. “You said that Kevin wouldn’t get mad!” I fumed. “Tina just told me that he called Joe and he’s pissed off!” Mondo was nonplussed and he struggled for a reply. Finally he came up with this: “Well, if you get fired we’ll all get fired too.” Oh gee, thanks you jerk.
I flat out refused to return to the scene of the crime to clean up all that toilet paper. I feared that if I went to his house Kevin would be lying in wait and immediately upon sight of any or all of us we would be fired on the spot. I can laugh about it now, being so worried about getting fired from one of the worst jobs ever (also, since when did RGIS ever fire anyone?) but at the time I needed that shitty job and the little money it brought to me so I wasn’t taking any chances.
Heather pretty much felt the same way as I and refused to go back to Kevin’s too. In the end it was Tina and Mondo that went back to do some toilet paper picking up, and for some bizarre reason Mondo’s obnoxious brother Luis tagged along. Suck up. I heard later that when the three of them arrived at Kevin’s house and began cleaning up the mess Kevin suddenly popped out of his house with an “Aha!” and snapped a photo of them. Apparently time had healed his toilet paper wounds and as it turned out he did indeed see the humor in it all. What an asshole.
This contempt that almost everyone in District 414 felt for DM Kevin was not unjustified. There was a long list of troubling incidents and decisions involving Kevin that had caused his district to turn against him. There were numerous raises promised to auditors but never given, mistakes made in scheduling auditors for inventories, mistakes made as to which Team Leader or Manager should be running which store, and mistakes made as to when these inventories should be held. All of this ineffectiveness of Kevin’s left everyone in the district in a constant state of frustration and anger.
Complaining about DM Kevin and his many faults and blunders did absolutely no good. Visits paid to our district by various Operations Managers fared no better. Dist. 414’s once prestigious reputation as an efficient, well run and go-to district continued to fade with each passing day.
Auditors and TL’s would talk amongst themselves about the situation, sharing their own personal DM Kevin horror stories and expressing frustration at how nothing ever seemed to change. Venting about one’s crappy RGIS DM could be somewhat therapeutic but the benefits of merely saying, “Kevin sucks!” and doing nothing about his sucking were short-lived and ultimately unsatisfying. Real, actual, physical action needed to be taken in order to bring about some relief from our troublesome situation, and TL Heather and I believed that we had the solution.
One late Friday night during a Waldenbooks inventory (endless ISBNs) in Santa Rosa Heather and I were as usual rehashing some complaints and grudges we had against DM Kevin. We had in previous inventories discussed various ways to exact revenge on Kevin; toilet-papering his house was by far the most popular idea. At Waldenbooks that night Heather reminded me once again of our nefarious desire to TP Kevin’s house. She said that since Kevin was away on vacation at the time and was due back the next night that tonight would be the perfect time to do the TPing. I agreed and the two of us quietly canvassed the group of auditors at Waldenbooks to see if anyone wanted to join in. Only Tina and TL Mondo (who was bungling, er, running the inventory) agreed to be our accomplices. Having Mondo participate in the TPing was crucial because he alone in the group that night knew where Kevin lived. Mondo also reassured us that nothing untoward would come of our misdeeds; that Kevin would in fact regard the whole thing as a great joke and even as something ultimately positive for the district as in, “Hey, my auditors came together, bonded and did something as a real team!” Myself, Heather and Tina were actually naive enough to believe this crap.
The Waldenbooks inventory finally ended around 1:00 am. Me, Heather, Tina and Mondo each got into our respective cars and drove to the local Food 4 Less supermarket (open 24 hours) where Tina and I each bought a huge 12 roll pack of toilet paper. I’ve often wondered since then what the sleepy clerk who rang up our purchases thought about four giggling adults in matching burgundy shirts buying 24 rolls of toilet paper at 1:30 in the morning but the guy never said a word.
The four of us had decided earlier that it would be a good idea if we didn’t all drive to Kevin’s but instead we would drive to a mini-mart near Kevin’s, park there and take Tina’s car to the house. This was done and we were on our way.
I was curious as to what sort of residence a RGIS district manager could afford to rent in Santa Rosa and upon our arrival at the place I was not surprised to see a real rathole of a house. Kevin’s tiny, one story beige-colored dump looked much like all the other small, shabby homes on his street. A postage stamp-sized yard filled with sparse amounts of crushed volcanic rock and skimpy dried-up bushes fronted the sad little house. Toilet paper would only improve its looks.
Tina parked right in front of Kevin’s house and the four of us climbed out quietly. We found the dark, unlit entryway to Kevin’s front door off to the right side of the house and decided to begin there. We ripped open the packages of toilet paper and got to work.
We covered anything and everything we could reach at Kevin’s place with toilet paper. Even things that we couldn’t reach like the roof and gutters we TP’d. Each of us would take hold of the loose end of a roll of toilet paper in one hand and use the other hand to toss the roll up and over the roof. The roll would come cascading down another side of the house leaving a trail of toilet paper behind it. This process was repeated over and over again; the air was fairly thick with flying rolls of toilet paper.
Not only was it cathartic for us RGIS auditors to TP our DM’s house (take that you rat bastard Kevin!) but it was incredible fun too. The four of us were trying to be as quiet as possible while coating Kevin’s house in toilet paper but we found it difficult to stifle our laughter. I was afraid our constant giggling would awaken Kevin’s neighbors but my fears were groundless as no one turned on a single porch light or peeked out a window. In fact Mondo told us a few days later that he spoke with Kevin’s next door neighbor who told Mondo that “You guys were really good (at TPing), I never heard a thing.”
We spent nearly an hour festooning the front of the house and yard with toilet paper. I even wrapped the little dried-up shrubs with toilet paper. Then Heather made a great discovery: the gate to the backyard. The latch was on the inside of the tall gate but little Heather had somehow managed to leap up and unlatch it. We all scampered into the backyard and proceeded to trash it as well.
Not surprisingly the backyard was as dilapidated as the front. The grass/weeds were knee-high; a few skimpy rose bushes were planted along one side of the fence. So sad. Since we didn’t have too much toilet paper left we decided to forego TPing the back part of the house and instead concentrated on the yard itself. We laced and crisscrossed the tall grass with toilet paper, making a sort of gigantic checkerboard pattern on top of it. It was fantastic. I snapped several photos of our artistic achievements with my little camera. After all it was most important that our fabulous work be recorded for posterity.
While Tina decorated the rosebushes with more toilet paper I went up to the sliding glass door at the back part of the house and looked inside. Even by the faint light of the moon I could see that the kitchen was a mess, with papers strewn all over the table and countertops. What a slob Kevin was.
Finally we were down to our last few bits of toilet paper and the four of us stepped back for a moment to admire our handiwork. The backyard was a vision in toilet paper loveliness. Not even a Tonka toy dump truck, abandoned by Kevin’s ex-wife’s son, escaped our toilet paper wrath. Then Mondo added one final touch: he took the last few pieces of toilet paper and dipped them into the rainwater that had collected in the toy truck, wadded them up into soggy paper blobs and flung a bunch of them at the sliding glass door where they stuck like glue. We were done.
As we trooped out of the backyard, still giggling, Mondo pointed out Kevin’s garage window on our left. We looked inside and could see several empty 12 packs of Coors Light beer. Mondo told us that Kevin would regularly polish off a couple 12 packs of beer every weekend. I though to myself, “Hmm, I guess that explains a lot about why our district is the way that it is.”
We got into Tina’s car and drove away, pleased with our efforts and success at getting away with it all. Tina dropped us off at the mini mart and we all drove to our homes. It was quite late, around 2 or 3 in the morning but I wasn’t sleepy at all. I was jazzed and my adrenalin was pumping. Yes! We had finally achieved revenge against our lousy RGIS district manager. Score one for the lowly auditors! I finally reached my home and fell into bed.
When I woke up later that morning I realized that there was still one last thing I needed to do to complete The Great RGIS TP Caper. I got dressed and drove over to Kevin’s house. In the bright morning light Kevin’s neighborhood was even seedier-looking than it had appeared last night. I parked my car in front of Kevin’s house and took some really great photos of the place from various angles. All that toilet paper was even funnier in the daylight. I then drove over to Walmart and dropped off the film for developing.
I had a JC Penney’s inventory scheduled for later that day in Petaluma and on my way there I stopped off at Walmart to pick up the photos. They were beautiful, perfect and hilarious, especially the daylight shots of the TP’d house. It was a real toilet paper masterpiece.
At the Penney’s inventory I waited until our lunch break (a shocker I know, RGIS auditors getting a lunch break) before I went out to my car and grabbed the packet of photos. Most of the RGIS crew had gathered in the store employee’s lunch room and that’s where I went. I passed around the photos and everyone had a great laugh, snickering at the shots of Kevin’s house drenched in toilet paper. I was so proud.
A few hours later it was close to midnight and we were finishing up the inventory. I was busy scanning a rack of men’s jackets when I saw Tina hurrying over to me with a worried look on her face. She told me that Kevin had just come back home from his week-long vacation and was more than a little surprised at the sight of his house. In fact he was furious. Tina said, “Kevin just called Joe (area manager running the Penney’s inventory). He’s pissed!” She said that DM Kevin told AM Joe that he didn’t care exactly who had done it (funny that Kevin immediately knew it was his auditors that had TP’d his house and not some neighborhood kids) but that he wanted “this shit” cleaned up by the end of the day tomorrow or else.
Upon hearing this I was a little angry myself. Mondo had told us the night before that Kevin wouldn’t mind his house getting TP’d and would see the humor in it all. Aaarrggh! That’s what we got for trusting Mondo. I headed over to where Mondo was scanning some t-shirts and accosted him. “You said that Kevin wouldn’t get mad!” I fumed. “Tina just told me that he called Joe and he’s pissed off!” Mondo was nonplussed and he struggled for a reply. Finally he came up with this: “Well, if you get fired we’ll all get fired too.” Oh gee, thanks you jerk.
I flat out refused to return to the scene of the crime to clean up all that toilet paper. I feared that if I went to his house Kevin would be lying in wait and immediately upon sight of any or all of us we would be fired on the spot. I can laugh about it now, being so worried about getting fired from one of the worst jobs ever (also, since when did RGIS ever fire anyone?) but at the time I needed that shitty job and the little money it brought to me so I wasn’t taking any chances.
Heather pretty much felt the same way as I and refused to go back to Kevin’s too. In the end it was Tina and Mondo that went back to do some toilet paper picking up, and for some bizarre reason Mondo’s obnoxious brother Luis tagged along. Suck up. I heard later that when the three of them arrived at Kevin’s house and began cleaning up the mess Kevin suddenly popped out of his house with an “Aha!” and snapped a photo of them. Apparently time had healed his toilet paper wounds and as it turned out he did indeed see the humor in it all. What an asshole.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
I Love RGIS!
Ha! I knew that title would catch your eye. You probably thought, "What the hell? Has The Misfit finally gone over to the Dark Side?" No, of course not, never in a million years. I will never drink the RGIS Kool-Aid. No, I just noticed that the comments were adding up in the last post and thought it was time to start a new post, to make it easier for people to scroll through everyone's comments. I'm still working on my toilet paper post (see the "Emails" post for more details) so I had to come up with a little shortie like this one to fill in for the time being.
I also wanted to reiterate that I absolutely love reading everyone's comments, both about this blog and about their own past and current experiences working for RGIS. Every last tale, no matter how short or how long is endlessly fascinating to me and I once again want to thank everyone for sharing their own RGIS stories here. Please continue to do so!
I also wanted to reiterate that I absolutely love reading everyone's comments, both about this blog and about their own past and current experiences working for RGIS. Every last tale, no matter how short or how long is endlessly fascinating to me and I once again want to thank everyone for sharing their own RGIS stories here. Please continue to do so!
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