Our Customer's Customers

Most of the inventories that I did for RGIS were either before or after store hours. That is, the store would be closed to customers while we peons, er, auditors counted the merchandise. However, for whatever reason some stores chose to have us inventory their stock while the store was open for business. That kind of inventory could be a headache or a hilarity, or both. A headache because if it was one of those inventories where a lot of verifying would be done then “mistakes” in counting were bound to occur. I mean, if an auditor is counting merchandise and a customer comes along and takes an item that was just counted then of course your totals are going to be off. Or if a customer pulls some items out of one department, wanders around the store for awhile, decides that she doesn’t want those items and then just dumps them in a different part of the store then the counts are going to be off in two different areas. To us RGIS people it would be clear that incidents like this were bound to occur and we wouldn’t expect to have perfect counts. However, to some thick-headed store personnel something so glaringly obvious just never crossed their minds as a possible happening and the areas in question would need to be recounted. Ooh, fun!

But sometimes having the store’s customers shopping right along with us counting could be funny too, in a weird sort of way. I remember this one time when I was doing an inventory at a Toyworks (local independent toy store). It was late morning, and I think I was counting all the Brio or Playmobil or some such crap. This little boy was in the store with his mom. They spent around 15 or 20 minutes in the store and the whole time they were there the little boy kept following his mom around the store saying, “Mama, my butt itches. Mama, my butt itches. Mama, my butt itches.” On and on and on, over and over and over again, for 20 minutes! Jesus. After hearing this for just a few minutes I wanted to yell at the kid, “Well then for Christ sakes, scratch your damn ass!” But of course you can’t say that to a little kid, can you? At least, not if you’re wearing a RGIS polo and counting wooden trains in a toy store. The whole time the kid was complaining about his itchy ass his mom never said a word. Sometimes I wonder if now, years later, the kid is still saying it.

Another kid incident happened when I was counting in an Albertson’s grocery store. This inventory was at night (start time 8:00 PM). I think the store closed at midnight, or maybe it was open 24 hours. Anyway, it was around 9:00 PM or so and I was counting dairy, or soda, or something in the cold cases. A little kid around 9 or 10 came running into my area to grab something. He, for some bizarre reason, wasn’t wearing shoes and was just in his socks. I guess the floor must have been highly waxed because when he reached the section I was counting he must have slid about 10 feet before he landed right on his butt (ass comes into play again). I asked the kid, “Hey, are you all right?” He just laughed kind of embarrassedly and said, “Yeah, I’m okay” before standing up and grabbing whatever it was he had come into the store for and leaving. Walking, not running this time.

At another Albertson’s I was counting some canned goods when these two young men came in late one night and asked me where the condoms were. I hadn’t even been in the OTC that night so I said I wasn’t sure. I explained to them that I wasn’t a store employee, I was only there doing inventory. One of the young men said very snottily to me, “Well, if you’re doing inventory then you should know where everything is, right?” Oh, really? Everything? Because little old me counted every damn thing in the whole supermarket, is that it? Me, one person, counted every single piece of merchandise in the whole goddamn place, is that what you’re thinking? You snotty little shit. But once again of course I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, since I was wearing that damn RGIS polo. So I just suggested very politely (gag) that they should check with the store personnel. They stomped off in a huff. And good evening to you too! Jerks.

Then at yet another Albertson’s (what’s with that store and their customers?) we were doing an inventory after store hours. You’d think that would keep us safe from the store’s customers but not that night. A group of teenagers came to the front door of the store and tried to get in. They were confused because:

1. All the lights in the store were on.
2. They could see people (RGIS drones) inside.
3. The doors wouldn’t open.

They started banging on the front doors and yelling something unintelligible. The store manager was in the back room so our RGIS AM went to the door and told the kids through the glass doors that the store was closed. The kids grumbled a bit and then went away. We thought that was the end of it until a few minutes later. I was counting the stuff at one of the checkout stands when I heard banging on the glass doors again. I looked up and was treated to the sight of some pressed ham under glass. That’s right, three teenagers were mooning us with their bare asses. They did so for a couple of seconds, laughed uproariously and ran off. Oh my God, I just realized. That’s another ass story!

Finally, I was counting some OTC at a Long’s Drugs once, and a store clerk was in the same aisle chatting to me about something. An old man appeared at the front of the aisle; he stood with his feet planted firmly and absolutely shouted out the word “TYLENOL!” Not, “Excuse, me, where’s the Tylenol?” or “Do you know where the Tylenol is?” but just “TYLENOL!” at the top of his lungs. The clerk turned to the guy and calmly said to him, “Are you giving a testimonial as to the wonders of Tylenol, and how much you love it? Or were you looking to buy a box of it?” The old man blinked and screamed just as loudly, “WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE TYLENOL?” The store clerk showed the old man where the pain relievers were, and then came back to me and told me that that sort of thing happens all the time, so when it does he usually liked to have some fun with the customer first. He said that the customers almost never had a sense of humor and never got the jokes. Oh well, at least he never got mooned at work.