Insane In The Membrane

Okay, so far you have met the Foul One, Moby; the Horse's Ass Leo; elbow bender Kenny; long-nailed Jeff; and psycho #1 Ethan. It's time now to introduce you to Psycho #2, Alice.









How to describe someone like Alice? Let me see...Bats in the belfry? A screw loose? Crackpot? Certifiable? Unhinged? Really, the possible descriptions are endless.









I first encountered Alice one morning at our brand new district office. The old office was in an inconvenient location, and was rather small, cramped and shabby. DM Kenny went scouting for a new office spot and found a couple of choices. One was in an already established business park location. The building that housed the possible office was nice, and there was plenty of available parking. The surrounding neighborhood in this business park too was nice, and appeared clean and safe.









Location #2 (and Kenny's eventual pick) was in a brand new strip mall on the other side of town. RGIS would be one of the first tenants in this strip mall, and would have a much larger office than the old location had provided. And what appeared to be a plus (at first) was that it was surrounded by several businesses that could come in handy to an auditor. Also in the strip mall would be a donut shop (early morning auditor's breakfast), a mini mart (great source of caffeinated products), and a Burger King (late afternoon meals). Plus, across the street was a Rotten Robbie gas station, and an International House of Pancakes. What more could an auditor ask for?









Well, how about parking? See, since RGIS was one of the first businesses to move into this strip mall, the mall was almost completely vacant at first. So in the beginning we had plenty of parking spots. But what brain dead Kenny didn't realize was that duh, that wasn't going to last for very long. As the donut shop and mini mart and flower store moved in, the amount of available parking spots shrank considerably. These fellow tenants resented our numerous cars taking up their customer's spaces, and let our RGIS district office know it.









So at first Kenny told us that when we met at the office to commute to an out of town inventory, we could only park in the spots facing the street, not the ones directly in front of the stores (one auditor named Dalton ignored these instructions once and parked right smack in front of the donut shop. When he came back to the office, there stacked one on top of the other on his antenna were about half a dozen donuts. Dalton was pissed off, but he never parked there again).









We parked at the outer slots for a couple of weeks, until the businesses complained again. So then Kenny had us move our cars to the opposite end if the strip mall, in front of Burger King. We came back from one inventory to find fliers on all of our windshields. These fliers stated that we were never to park there again and if we did Burger King would have our cars towed.









Next, Kenny had us meet at the Coddingtown shopping mall about 3 miles up the road. That lasted for one night. Mall security discovered that we RGIS people were using their parking lot for commuter parking (they found out mostly thanks to Beatrice's noisy behavior) and forbid us to park there again. Finally, we ended up meeting at the park-n-ride in Rohnert Park, a city about 8 miles south of Santa Rosa. Wow, great planning DM Kenny!









Anyway, back to nut job Alice. She was a short, stocky woman in her forties, with pale freckled skin and light red hair tightly pulled back into one long braid. She seemed to be bright and alert. When I first saw her she was standing in front of the district office talking to another auditor. I heard Alice tell this person, "Well, she's been nice to me, and so has she, and so has he, but that one's kind of stuck up, and..." etc. etc.









As I worked with Alice in several inventories following this encounter she appeared to be interested and eager to work (a rarity at RGIS). She picked up on the inventory game rather quickly and I thought that finally this district had scored themselves a good auditor.









That is, until she worked there for a couple of months and her true self began to emerge. Alice, as it turned out, was a real whack job. I mean like totally loony. She was really good at hiding this nuttiness of hers at first, but one's true self can never stay submerged forever, and soon Alice's psychotic behavior began to bubble up and break free for all of us at RGIS to witness.









It began rather slowly at first. At first you might misinterpret her rapid fire talk as, well, coming from someone who was just really eager to learn. After a while, though, her swift speech increased and sped up until it was almost maniacal and started to give one the creeps.









Of course, with Alice's mouth always going a mile a minute, anyone in conversation with her almost never got a word in edgewise. Any 'conversation' with Alice was strictly one-sided. You would start by saying "Hi" to her, and that might be the last time you got to say a word. Alice would take a deep breath and then let 'er rip. Her entire life story would come spilling out in excruciating detail. Every little thing that had ever happened to her in her lifetime would be relayed to you at lightning speed. She had no ability to discriminate between what information could be shared with others and what should be kept private. Alice would just open her mouth and vomit out her every thought, feeling and opinion. And 99.9% of it was ugly and negative. It got so bad that people started avoiding even saying "Hello" to her, because Alice saw that as an invitation to spill her guts on everything and everyone. The more she worked with RGIS the crazier Alice got, until she finally exploded one morning at an East Bay Albertson's supermarket and left the company for good. And good riddance.









But before she split Alice left quite an impression on all of us. For starters, she had appointed herself Champion of Underdogs in our district. She would take up any cause or grudge that an auditor might have against someone, even if you didn't want her to. If you made the fatal mistake of confiding to her your unfavorable thoughts or opinions on a manager or fellow auditor, Alice would take it upon herself to go to that person and tell them exactly what you said. I don't believe that by doing this she was pulling a Moby and deliberately attempting to stir up trouble. She just decided all on her own that it wasn't any good to hide your true feelings but instead you (through herself, Alice) should make them immediately known to the subject in question.









Well, wasn't that super of Alice? Gee, to take it upon herself to make your decisions for you! Gosh, how kind! And stupid! And dangerous! I mean, a person might have just been blowing off some steam when they told Alice how much they hated what this person had said or did to them. They might have just been venting a little temporary anger or unhappiness, and certainly did not expect someone to take this inflammatory talk and run with it, as Alice often did. In this respect she was a bit similar to TL Leo, as she too seemed to feel that she knew more than you about what was the best thing to do. And by God she was going to do it, whether you liked it or not.









Alice's derangement was also demonstrated in her fierce belief that everyone at RGIS was against her. This persecution complex of hers manifested itself many times during her stint with RGIS. For instance, Alice would tell me that another auditor, Lilian, had deliberately stepped on her foot and pushed or shoved her a number of times in various inventories. Lilian herself completely recognized Alice's looniness for what it was, and would ask me if I believed her or Alice. "What do you think, Lilian?" I asked. "Of course, I believe you." Lilian smiled and thanked me. I mean, who in their right mind would believe a madwoman like Alice?









Alice also claimed that TL Jeb almost punched her. It supposedly happened during a Target inventory. On a break, Alice was walking past Jeb, who was holding a cup of coffee. Alice said that she accidentally bumped into Jeb, causing him to spill some coffee on himself. She said that Jeb was so mad at her that he drew one arm back and was about to punch her, but at the last second he changed his mind and didn't sock her. Yeah right. We're supposed to believe that an elderly, frail, diabetic man in his sixties was going to knock out a squat vigorous woman in her forties? C'mon, get real!









Just two days after this incident at Target, Alice claimed that during our Long's Drugs inventory that very morning, another auditor named Jake was rude to her, swore at her, and told her to get the hell out of his way as he walked down an aisle of the store. Alice then went around telling everyone present at the inventory (RGIS manager excepted) that she was going to take Jake out to the parking lot and "kick his ass." This threat was never carried out, of course. And it wasn't too long after this latest extreme of Alice's that she told us that at her previous job her boss almost punched her in the face but stopped himself from doing so at the last minute.









Do you see a pattern here? Does it spell wacko to you? It told the rest of us in the district that Alice might benefit from a stay in a padded cell. A long stay.









Alice also was firm in the belief that after just a short time with RGIS, she was already far superior to everyone else in the district. Maybe the company too. Maybe the whole damn world. She told me on several occasions that she was a much more accurate counter than two other auditors named Eden (a girl) and Nadine. Alice said that TL Ethan had taught those two how to count, and not very well either. She said that they were more fast than accurate. Alice said that they may have counted 6 or 7 items when there were really 9 or 10. She would then tell me that that wasn't a good thing to do, that she (Alice) was better, that she was "dead on accurate". The phrase "dead on accurate" was said emphatically by Alice, while she slammed her right fist into her left palm with each word. Give me a break.









At a Food 4 Less inventory one time Alice said that she was so ticked off at DM Kenny (who was running it) for some unexplained reason that she deliberately tried to make mistakes so Kenny would have more trouble to deal with. But Alice said that she was so good at counting that she couldn't make mistakes even when she tried. Can you believe her crap?









She also had something of a problem where jealousy was concerned. Alice felt that she was so valuable to RGIS that no one could possibly choose another auditor over her. When the whole "Lilian stepped on my foot and pushed me" fiasco happened, Alice picked up on the fact that I was on Lilian's side, not hers. She then informed me rather imperiously that she knew for an absolute fact that if it came down to her and Lilian, that our district office would definitely keep her (Alice) and not Lilian.









But her envy of others really showed itself when it came to our Area Manager Jeff. AM Jeff had a way with the ladies, that is to say the young ladies in their late teens or early twenties. We had several of these young girls as auditors in our district, and if one was even halfway cute Jeff would be all over her like a cheap suit (or "like white on rice" as Alice herself put it). During inventories that he ran Jeff would go up to a girl that he fancied and stand next to her as she counted at an end cap. He would spend considerable time chatting up this young girl, smiling and whispering in her ear the whole time.









Alice would go ballistic when she saw this. The rest of the district was used to Jeff's lover boy ways and either joked about it or ignored it. But not Alice. It seemed to make her absolutely furious for some mysterious reason.









I believe that I discovered the reason for Alice' green-eyed behavior one morning during another Food 4 Less inventory. Corpulent Moby was running this store, but Jeff had stopped by to ostensibly check on how his Team Leader was handling things. In reality though Jeff was just there to flirt with his latest girl toy.









I guess Alice must have witnessed yet another one of AM Jeff's "Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear" episodes because shortly after his arrival at the store she came storming over to talk to me. Right away she began ranting about Jeff and this girl, Margie. "What," she was practically shouting, "Is Jeff saying when he's going up and whispering in all these girl's ears? Do you know know how close he gets to them?" She then demonstrated how close Jeff had gotten to Margie. Alice was practically bumping noses with me as she yelled, "He (Jeff) thinks those girls are so hot! I know that if I lost 20 pounds I would look damn good!"









At that point I did two things. First I took about 3 steps back from Alice. Then I thought to myself, "Oh my God, you have to be kidding, Alice. Do you really think that Jeff would in a million years be interested in you? He's a young good-looking guy in his early 30's, and you're a stout, cheese-faced woman in your late 40's. Get real!" It was almost as sad and demented as Moby's mooning over Ginger.









Another annoying thing about Alice was that she had a habit of telling you the most intimate, personal details of her life, whether you wanted to hear them or not. She would think nothing of dropping into a casual conversation her fervent belief that she had been abused by many people during her childhood. And every time she told you this it was someone different who had done horrible things to her. This family member, that family member, another one, yet one more...but maybe not, as she wasn't quite sure about that one just yet. She claimed that no one in her family believed her accusations of abuse, and at times Alice herself wasn't certain that anything had happened to her at all.









It was a very sad thing to hear, that people might have done such terrible things to a child. And if it was true then it would seem to go a long way in explaining some of Alice's odd behavior. Like her obsession with cleanliness. She always made sure that she was absolutely spotless for every inventory. Hair washed and tightly braided, with nary a strand allowed to escape. Face scrubbed to within an inch of its life. Not a trace of makeup, and her RGIS polo and slacks were always clean and pressed. Now of course I'm no psychologist, but you don't have to be one to figure out why she was fixated on appearing sparkling clean. Alice probably still felt some residual effects of having been allegedly abused during her childhood. It probably made her feel 'dirty' to have had those things happen to her, and so to combat that feeling of being 'dirty' she overreacted and became obsessed with being 'clean'.









If this was true then I really felt sorry for Alice. No one should have to go through what she might have gone through. But at the same time I felt bad for her I was also secretly wishing that she wouldn't feel so compelled to tell anyone with a pair of functioning ears all these deeply personal stories about herself. She would tell you these things at the drop of a hat. And even if you had only known her for about two hours. And even if your conversation had been nowhere near the subject of abuse.









For instance, say you might have been scanning stuff in a J.C. Penney's back room. You're just going along, scanning bar codes, beep beep beep...when out of nowhere this woman comes up to you and tells you that when she was a child she thinks her mother used to hit her in the face with a shoe. How are you supposed to react to something like that? Do you say, "Oh, no, that's terrible." Or "I'm so sorry to hear that." Or do you say what you're really thinking, "Um, that's awful, but why on earth are you telling me this? I hardly know you." I just used to wish that she would please keep some things to herself. But instead, if you said to Alice something like "It's a really nice day today, isn't it?", she would reply that she thought an uncle or someone had molested her when she was young. She did this on a constant basis. Again, I felt bad for her, but I scarcely knew her and wasn't a friend, so I really didn't understand why she kept telling me and everyone else in the district stuff like that. I mean, if there was anyone who could have benefited from seeking professional mental help it was Alice. Hopefully by now she's done just that.









After Alice had been with the district for awhile, there was an attempt (desperation time!) to promote her to Team Leader. Like most of the other attempts at this within my district, it was a resounding failure. Alice had the skills to run a store all right, but her deep emotional problems affected her ability to last very long as a TL. She would get frustrated at the slightest mistakes made during one of her inventories and shout and be constantly on the verge of tears.









Like when she ran one of her first stores, a Wilson's Leather shop in the Santa Rosa Plaza. It was a night inventory, and the next morning (probably at a Long's Drugs inventory of course) Alice told me all about it.









Alice said that at one point during the inventory AM Jeff stopped by, unannounced and uninvited. He usually didn't do this, but Alice was sure she knew the reason why. "Because Margie was there!" she yelled (Alice was never one for whispering). Everyone in the district knew that Jeff was infatuated with Margie and didn't care much about it, but it absolutely infuriated Alice to see Jeff within ten feet of Margie.









And when Jeff interfered in her inventory Alice erupted. She had assigned Margie to count a certain section in the store. Margie pouted at having to climb a ladder to scan some leather Jakeets displayed high up on one wall. But instead of going to Alice, who was running the inventory, she instead complained to Jeff. Jeff told Margie, "No problem", and sent another auditor (Alice's daughter) up the ladder instead. Alice was hopping mad. "What business does he have doing that?" she raged. "He was only there because Margie was there! He spent half the night pressed up against her!"









So of course since Alice had appointed herself Champion of Victims Everywhere (even if they didn't consider themselves victims) she called RGIS' head office in Michigan to complain about Jeff and Margie. She got her daughter to call in too, as a witness to AM Jeff's alleged sexual harassment of Margie. Alice even tried to get me to call in and file a complaint. "But I wasn't even at that store, Alice," I told her. She replied, "Yeah, I know, but you know how Jeff is, you've seen him do stuff like that all the time. Can't you call in too?" But I refused to do so. I mean, none of those girls that Jeff flirted with ever seemed to object to it, you know what I mean? So I saw no point in filing a useless 'complaint'.









Alice didn't feel the same way. She placed so many calls to RGIS' human relations department that finally they sent a couple of Ops Managers to our district to interview Margie. They called her into the office and asked her, "Is Jeff sexually harassing you?" Margie told them "No", and that was the end of it.









But not for Alice. She kept up such a steady barrage of phone calls to RGIS' head office that her daughter used to tease her and say that Alice had her own personal 1-800 number to RGIS.









I can't imagine what RGIS must have thought of Alice calling in so much. I think that after a while they must have realized what a crackpot she was, and in true RGIS fashion probably just began to ignore her, and hope that she would go away.









Which she did, eventually. The last straw for Alice came one morning at an East Bay Albertson's supermarket. Alice had driven herself and couple of other auditors to this inventory, and had arrived for the 4:00 am start a little too early. So she and the others went over to an all night store and bought some coffee. When they arrived back at Albertson's they signed themselves in at the time they had originally arrived at the store. Ops Manager Rich observed them doing this and told them to change the start time to the immediate present. Alice refused, and when Rich insisted that she change the start times she blew up and left the store. She also left RGIS too, which was probably a good thing for everyone concerned. Especially everyone at RGIS. People had gotten sick and tired of her constant friction and chaos and madness, and it was good to see her go.